click

In the last week or so things have started to click for Elizabeth. Maybe for us too. She seems to be recognizing more things, routines and words. Now when we pull up at home she makes a high pitched "oooooo" noise. When I put her in her car seat, she grabs the buckle to help. She has started saying all done and doing the sign for it. She does this all the time, when she is in the cart at the store and is all done, when she is in her crib and does not want to sleep, when she is in the car seat. It is really sweet and funny. The "D" sound is a big step, up until now she only really had "m's" and variations on the ma sound. Now she is saying something for dog, Sam (sounds like mam), me or mine, all done and of course mama. She also has some signs to use for more and banana (which I think means any fruit). She is a stubborn little one though and tends to try whining first. We are trying to be firm and make her try to use a word or sign that she knows.

Things are clicking for us too. We need to keep reminding ourselves that we are on a very long journey to attachment. We read some articles last week and I will post them if I figure out how. They talked about the difference between bonding and attachment. I guess I thought they were the same. David summed it up as, bonding is love (which she has) attachment is trust (which she is working on). The attachment part will take a while and we will always be working on it. I was getting pretty tired and sought the advice of other parents in the FCC (families with children from China). They all said that the clingyness we are going through is very normal and to be expected. The articles said the same thing. Actually if she was not this clingy, that might signal more problems. I think one issue I am having is with other people. If you have not experienced adoption, either personally or through a close friend or family member, you don't know the ins and outs of attachment or the trauma the child has been through and its lasting effects on their brain. Even though E does not "remember" being abandoned on a doorstep at three days old, the effects of that trauma are there in her brain. She may no longer "remember" the orphanage, but she has the effects in her brain of being left in her crib, not always being attended to, having several caretakers. Her brain is hardwired wrong. Now we need to undo all that. We need to provide for her all the attention, physical contact, love, snuggling, parenting that she missed out on for 15 months. We need to overcompensate for what she missed out on. So to onlookers, it may seem as though we are spoiling her or giving in to her too much or what ever. To her, she is learning to trust us and learning that we will meet her needs every time. And we will meet her needs when she wants, not when the orphanage schedule dictates. So now that we have more information, we can counter those that mean well, but don't have as much information on the subject.

My mom just emailed me and said she remembered reading an article a while back (long before we were heading to china). It was about children adopted from Romania and all the troubles they were having. The line that stuck out to her and she thought was so applicable was, "You can't put these kids in Gap clothes and take them to Disney Land and think they are just like any other American kid". It is so true. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I keep saying, "Sam wasn't like this" or we might compare E to her cousin Jenna, but we can't, their lives are so different and their needs are so different.

So things are starting to click and it is really exciting. She seems so much bigger and older just in these few months. She is less like a baby and more like a toddler. She is almost 19 months! I can't believe it!

One last click comment. My camera is MIA right now, so no click of the camera and no new pictures to post. I think it is in Chummy, so I'll look this weekend.

Congrats to Karin

My good friend Karin just had her second baby. Maya Beverly entered the world last night at 9:51 PM, 7 pounds 20 inches. Baby, Mommy, Daddy and big sister Lauryn are doing well. I can't wait to meet her. I am planning to go on Tuesday and will take pictures and post them.

Welcome to the world Maya!

One in, One out

On Sunday Sam lost his first tooth! I know this is Stolpe Adoption blog, it should all be about E. No, I can post about Sam too! It sort of has to do with her too. The one in, is E popped out a new tooth this week and Sam lost one!

He stayed up at Pike Lake with Grammy and Grandpa this weekend. We came home with E on Saturday. He had some much needed time with his grandparents. He was starting to have some behavior struggles. He kept saying, "I don't want to talk about it". I think it was more, I don't understand why I am upset and I can't talk about it. I don't know that he could admit or realize he is jealous or upset with his sister. He loves her so much and always wants to be with her. On the other hand, he just does not get the same amount of attention from all of us. For over six years he was our only child and the only grandchild. He was the center of universe. Now he has a baby sister (who is a bit demanding) and a cousin who is crazy busy and therefore demanding of our attention. Sam is old enough to be independent and is on his own a lot. I spend so much time telling him no, not now, I have to take care of Izzy, no, Sam, maybe later, No, Sam stop doing that, she doesn't like it, No Sam, No Sam, No Sam, No Sam. I feel so bad and try to give him more attention when she goes to bed. But I am tired from working overnights and from being with them all day. Also, sometimes she is not too cooperative about going to bed really well. So, thankfully Grammy and Grandpa offered to keep him and he loved it and had a great time. This week he is at YMCA Day Camp and loving it too. He needed time to play with other kids his age too.

So, he finally lost a tooth. He was the last of all his friends. Even Soraya, who is six months younger has lost a few. The one next to the one that fell out is also loose, so it is in the middle. The new one is coming in already. He has a cute lisp now!

Happy Birthday Daddy!

July 3 was David's birthday. For the last 10 years, we have watched the fireworks on David's birthday down at the lake front with a million people. Even before that, we went every year since I can remember. This year was different. We were just too tired from everything going on, I was worried about E and the fireworks and Grandpa Kent was still at Pike Lake. We decided to go up to Pike Lake and celebrate there. Grandpa made incredible wings (David's birthday dinner every year). Sam picked out a cake and we enjoyed ourselves. E loved the cake, or should I say the frosting! David seems to be lightening up about the blue food thing. It is about time! On the fourth, we went in to West Bend for the parade. E liked it as long as I kept the cup holder on the chair filled with teddy grahams. Sam loved it as usual. It was also the first year in several that we did not go to the Tosa parade. I did miss that. Nigel, Jenna and Bridget did go though. At night we climbed the "Tall, Tall Tower" at Pike Lake to see the fireworks. It was really neat to see them all over the area. You could see about 30 all over the area. They were all small, but still incredible to see that many in all directions and to try to guess the cities.

David said it was a great birthday and was not disappointed with the change in traditions. Grammy got him some CDs that he really wanted and I got him the XL chair he really wanted so he can better enjoy lounging at the camp fire.

Kisses Sweeter Than Wine

This is a line from an old Pete Seeger song. I think of it when Izzy gives me kisses except I don't like wine. So maybe it is kisses sweeter than chocolate. I think of all the things I took for granted with Sam and now have to teach E. Sam was bonded and attached before he was born. He nursed and cuddled and wanted to be held. We have had to teach E that we are her parents and we love her. We have had to teach her how to be held, how to snuggle and that bottles are better when you are held close in your parent's arms, not lying flat on your back in your crib. Sam knew from birth that at every cry or whimper we would come and take care of him. E had not known that, but she is quickly learning. Because she spent the first 15 months with out being attended to right away I feel I should not let her cry too much. I probably go to her way quicker than I did with Sam. I just feel bad for her first 15 months. Today a girlfriend told me to just let her whine and she will learn not to. I just can't though.

It is just so different with an adopted baby. So much of what I knew is out the window. Sam is six. Before I had Sam I worked in daycare, after Sam and even now I work as a nanny. I know how to take care of kids of all ages ,but it is so different with E. She brings a whole new set of issues to the table. She is wonderful, funny, beautiful and exhausting. Sometimes I feel like I have a newborn, not a toddler for all her needs. I feel guilty for being tired and wanting a break. After all I wanted her and worked so hard to bring her home.

In the end I must be doing something right, she is very attached to me. She always wants me to hold her, leans back to me if someone else has her and wants to be held close. She puts her arms around my neck and holds on tight. She also has started giving kisses. She puckers her little lips, it is so sweet. She will kiss Daddy, Sammy and me. The other day she kissed Grammy! That made her day! I imagine as she gets more comfortable she will loosen her grip on me. For now though I am exhausted and my back and arms ache, but I still want to hold on to her just as tight as she is holding on to me.

Dedications

Elizabeth was lucky enough to be dedicated twice. We figured with her start, she needs as much as she can get. Also, our church wanted to do one and we had already planned one for the June 21 party. The one at church was so meaningful to have that body of people who have cared for us through the whole journey to her affirm their commitment to her and to us.

The party on June 21 was great fun. We had been planning it for two years! For those of you that came, thanks. I hope you all enjoyed yourselves. The weather was great and most everyone seemed to have a good time. Both of Elizabeth's grandpas did the dedication. It was very moving and special to have them both there and both share the experience. This dedication was special too with all our family and friends to share in celebrating her and renewing their commitment to her. I am overwhelmed when I think about how many people have care for us and for her for so long. The support along the way and the support that continues is just amazing. Elizabeth seemed to like the party and all the people. She was best when I was holding her though.